i've got to lose sight of their pompous, boring lies

@ 1:45 AM by emily clare

again i am here when i am supposed to be doing work. what has become of me. i am terrified for what is going to happen to me when i receive my report card. i have three zeros that i know of in english, and i got a C on my last paper... a C. i am completely screwed, and in a class that is supposed to be my strong point. and here i am, sunday night (monday morning), still having not written a paper that was supposed to be due last thursday. i suppose senioritis is a real thing. i am so over high school. though i am finally at a point of contentment regarding my friendships. everything that has been just below the surface has finally come about, out of nowhere. and without any sort of argument, or even acknowledgement. there are so many things that could be said regarding that, but i'm happy with the way things are so i'm just going to try not to dwell on them.

awards shows make me cry. if i were to ever win an oscar. good lord.

i have the.BIGGEST crush on adrien brody.

oh my god, i'm never going to write this essay.

@ 12:21 AM by emily clare

it is unclear to me when and why i have become so unbelievably unfocused. case in point: i have an essay on pride and prejudice due in exactly seven hours. one hour of that seven hours will be spent showering and getting ready. due to my lack of focus, i am guessing almost two of those seven hours will be spent writing this relatively easy essay. another .5 of those seven hours will be consumed by myself getting to school early (EARLY!!) in order to hang up the buddy pictures signup sheet in the commons and get an announcement into the front office. by my calculations, that leaves me with 3.5 hours of sleep.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?!??!?!?!?!?!

@ 8:06 PM by emily clare

i am becoming far too apathetic about school. i am taking for granted how pathetically easy my classes are. i always mess up on the easy ones.

anyway, project list time (so i don't forget):

-cs bday stuff (metal)
-eb bday stuff (b&w photos (white bg?), metal))
-earrings
-cs shirt (stencil?)
-hedwig shirt
-polka skirt
-mvt photo proj (b&w photos (schedule), metal))
-b&w closeups (dustin, emily, eric, christina, rachel, jenni, etc?)
-mvt live shoot sat/fathom

@ 8:42 PM by emily clare

i wonder when the turning point was. you know, when i did my college app essay, mrs foster laughed at me when it said something to the effect of "i have never been very good at expressing my emotions." but there's a huge difference in being the loud outspoken person that always has a sarcastic comment to add in, and actually speaking about myself. it seems like there was a point when i would spill my stuff to everyone, but i can't quite remember when that might have been. there was also a point when i used to blame my introvertedness on my friends' lack of care. but i can't do that anymore. i can feel them reaching, questioning, and caring, but i'm just not receptive. i'm perfectly fine with listening to everyone's problems and giving them advice. it's when they want to listen that they're asking too much of me.

it's not a matter of trust, either. another one of my old theories. i can name about three people that i could trust with things. it's not that. it's not that it's ever particularly bothered me all of this time to keep everything bottled up. it doesn't necessarily bother me now. it's just lonely sometimes. i feel like in thirty years i'm going to look back and i'm going to feel just as lonely. i just can't picture myself moving forward in this aspect of my life. i don't know how to fix it.

when did i become the one person that i never thought i would be. when did i start doing and thinking the opposite of my former self. i suppose it is not a negative transformation. in fact, i think that, regardless of what negative has come of all of this, the learning/growing that i have done is enough to compensate. it's only hard in that i can never get comfortable. i feel like i've been thirty different people in the past two years. in the past few months. weeks. days.

all i want is to feel like myself.

@ 10:21 PM by emily clare

friday was overwhelmingly enjoyable for me. which makes me think that my near future will be pleasant. while it is true that emily and myself had a great deal of fun metrosexualizing five males, the photo taking is what really got me. the posed shots weren't to my full liking; however, the live ones would have been spectacular. WOULD HAVE BEEN. as in, my camera is broken. and all. of. my. pictures. are. gone. GAAAAAAAAAAAH. i can't describe how excited i was about them. like.. it physically hurt me that they were gone. i can try again at thursday's show, but. it won't be the same. woe is me.

@ 4:04 PM by emily clare

STAY AWAY FROM MY IDENTITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@ 9:36 PM by emily clare

i don't know why i get so impatient with my family. they must think i am the biggest asshole. lately i am irritated at all times when i am at home; i don't know why.

i wish i was at ion dissonance right now for dustin's bday. that sucks.

i'm growing more and more upset by my lack of a darkroom and lack of a knowledge of developing color prints. as howard dean would say, "EEEEAAAAGH!!!!"

@ 11:33 PM by emily clare

i think i'm going to be chronically unhappy for the rest of my life. i'm really good at setting a goal, but i think i get too caught up in what could be than actually making it happen. overall, i think i'm a pretty weak person, which i guess i'm just getting around to finding out. or maybe i'm just becoming too consumed by the wrong things. either way, it's not working out the way i'd like to, and yet i can't bring myself to do anything about it.

i'm such a mess. it's all the time where i have absolutely nothing to keep me occupied that does this to me. at the same time, keeping myself busy all the time makes me continue to avoid this. all of this.

last night i had a dream that i was being chased by irish people who were infected with a virus 28 days later style. they wanted to rip off my arms.

i wish that i was capable of being happy, or even content when i'm left alone. i've always been too dependent on other people.

#*!(@*#

@ 4:13 PM by emily clare

i keep finding myself salvaging friendships simply because it's easier. someday i'm going to have to take the hard way. for something. le sigh.

new years was fine without all the frills that it generally comes with. 2003 was probably more bad than it's worth, up until the end. 2004 = hollins. jesus.

the benefit show on fri was really good. i'm a little sore about the fathom keeping half of the proceeds, but whatever. saw mister chris weeks, klsdsdalsda. always mixed feelings about encounters with him, because i'm a loser. shoot me.

other than that, my sewing machine is on the verge of deth and i'm in the middle of two projects. :|

someone buy me the thermals cd.

@ 3:29 PM by emily clare

christmas was good-ish, i finally got BAZOOKA TOOTH and i lovelovelove it. aesrock is amazing.

winter break has been good,,, only a few minor setbacks/moodswings/:\

i watched 'suicide club' last night and it was just one of those 'whatthefuccccck' movies. all was well and then randomly a rocky horror-esque japanese man in a black sequined costume singing a song about death in his torture chamber/bowling alley is integrated into the plot. "WHAAAAAAAA!!?!" i think the deeper meaning got lost in translation, though the subtle humor was great,,, i need to watch it again.

what it's new years eve?? plans for tonite--some time w/d&e, then jenni's i think. being that i am on the verge of becoming an alcoholic i think it's best that i probably won't be hitting the bottle. ehghh.

MATES OF STATE FEB 20 W/D+E+E!!!

THIS IS A .44 CALIBER LOVE LETTER STRAIGHT FROM MY HEART............................